Things Change < You Must Rearrange

Don't be afraid of change. It's leading you to a new beginning.

Sometimes in life, things that have always seemed so consistent, begin to shift. Life as you know it seems different and the images that are stuck in your brain start to fade. Everything you know seems to make less sense, more abundantly. So how do you deal with drastic changes? How do you deal with your life being altered in a way that you did not expect? How do you cope when everything that was once so right starts to feel so wrong?

These are the questions that I've started to ask myself on a daily basis. How am I going to get through the next couple of months? How am I going to embrace the new direction that God has granted me? Am I ready?

Some changes are good. I'm moving out of my house next week. It has been the most stressful year, going back and forth with property management and a company that doesn't seem to care about my well being. Problem after problem, I've learned very well when to stick up for myself and when to stop fighting a losing battle. So goodbye and good riddance. I am embracing the idea of moving forward. Moving out and finding something more suitable, more comfortable, and more for me. I'm looking forward to my own space, my own rules and the idea of truly being alone for the first time. Alone doesn't always mean lonely. It's time for me to learn how to be alone and still be happy; free even.

Some changes are bad. I've been pulling away from people in my life, not because I no longer love them, but because I feel emotionally drained. I haven't been checking in like I should. I haven't been speaking up like I should. I feel low when I need a friend, but there's nobody there. However, I'm very stubborn and I don't believe that I should be the only one checking in and reaching out. So it is what it is. I guess that has everything to do with learning to be alone, but not feel lonely. It's tough. I've been so quiet and timid about my feelings because I do not want to create problems, but clearly the problems are there and nobody wants to speak their truth. That, in itself, is dishonest. It's even harmful. I feel petty rising in my soul and I am trying to not let it eat at me. I feel conflicted and angry, which is not like me. I'm frustrated that I do not always have the words to say what needs to be said. I am saddened by the thought of hostility ruining good relationships. I am weakened by the idea that I am fighting alone, or even at all... but that has to change. 

Some changes are unexpected. I'm seeing a new guy (well I think that's what it's called... if we have to  label it) who has been more than good to me. He makes me feel beautiful. He keeps a smile on my face and I do not fear silly things with him. He makes me feel invincible and open to possibility. In some ways, I've been really happy for the past couple of months (at least with him) and I'm excited to see how things take shape. Hell, even if things don't take shape, he has taught me that life goes on. Somebody out there thinks that world of you, despite what others have told you or led you to believe. Some people are still decent (men and women, alike). They will treat you good even when you don't deserve it and somebody will love you when you don't love yourself. He has taught me how to be soft again. So if that's all he has the time to do in my life, I thank him. I thank him for being the quiet to my storm and for appreciating me and all of my quirk. I am thankful for bad jokes and conversation that forces me to see life differently. It is my wish that I have been just as good to him and that he is thankful for my presence in his life.

Some changes take time. After two and a half years,  I finally quit my job. It's a part time graphic design job that turned into a graphics production specialist role. It is not creative and my limits have been tested. At many points during my tenure, I was ready to throw in the towel and give up, but I stayed, despite my better judgement, for the pay and flexibility (knowing that I deserved so much more). I have been slapped in the face time and time again and have avoided going to HR because I lost the energy and drive to fight. I became complacent and was going to work just because. There has been no joy or satisfaction for a while, and I feel like in the last stretch, my coworkers are starting to respect me and see me for who I am. Although I'm the youngest in my department, they're finally starting to see me as a powerhouse and a catalyst. It's late in the game and I've already resigned, but it's about time. I am thankful for all that I've learned in this position, but I'm enthused about all the time I'll have to grow, without it.

Some changes are necessary. I'll be going to Haiti for half of the year. Although it's a big risk and a lot of hard work to make it happen, I'm so ready to commit my life to doing God's work. I am honestly so ready to go. My bags are packed (okay, they're not), and I'm ready to head out and turn my phone off. I need time to breathe. I need time to rediscover myself. I need time to take care of me and to only worry about me. I need time to be selfish. I deserve it. I spend so much time caring about other people. It is literally all that I do. That's not a bad thing per se, because I always keep things handled. But handling things can become overwhelming and tiring. I think (and I know my opinion is clearly biased) that I handle situations with poise. I keep my composure and I get things done. I've reached a point though where I no longer want to. I'm mentally over being everybody's rock. Sometimes, I need to break too and I do not deserve to be treated poorly simply because I can handle it. That needs to change. I no longer want everybody's drama, stress, anxieties and other forms of negativity inflicted upon me. Shortly, I'll be in Haiti, falling in love with me and following the Lord's plan for my life. I will look, feel and be so much better; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. When opportunity comes knocking, make sure you're available to answer the door.

All changes are worth it. Change is inevitable. Change is required to grow and to live a healthy life. Change can be dysfunctional and can alter the course of your life. Unfortunately, as seasons in our lives change, some people and things play out their courses. That is okay. People, places and things (nouns) are put into our lives as stepping stones and learning blocks, but not everything is meant to hold onto forever. You cannot hold on to the stress or to the pain. Eventually, you must let go and move forward. Let go of fear. Life is full of uncertainties, but you have to be ready and willing to roll with the punches. Embrace change. Speak up about change. Address change. Understand why things change. Accept change. Don't forget to pray about change. You'll be glad that you did.

xo,
Alyssa Renee