The Only Way to Get Through It

I read somewhere a few days ago that "The only way to get through it, is to get through it." I don't think there's any proper way to heal and if there is, PLEASE let me know. I thought I could just put all my feelings into a little pocket deep inside of me, and it almost worked until I broke down in church and the entire congregation was all eyes on me at the alter. Things are tough. Between my cousin being murdered and my little baby dying, I'm a mess. I'm processing and hurting, but "The only way to get through it, is to get through it." I'm learning to find blessings in small things and celebrate small victories.

I traveled to Virginia with my mom to attend services for my cousin. We had a vigile, a viewing and a funeral which were all beautiful and filled with love. They were extremely tough to get though. Watching my cousins and my family hurt was so heart breaking. Brandon was a good man and he did not deserve to die, especially not the way he did. His three sons did not deserve to lose their father, but my family will do all they can to make sure those boys are okay. Forever. I spent a lot of genuine, quality time with my mother, and after being in Haiti for three months, I needed my mom. I missed her and I was glad we had a safe and successful trip. I saw aunts, uncles, cousins and friends that I hadn't seen in a while. Plus, Virginia has the best seafood and after this journey, I needed that too.

On our way back home, I got the call that I was dreading. Fredo, a little boy that I love and spent so much time with trying to get him better, passed away. I was... am devastated. My heart broke and I've been trying to handle it. Fredo was such a sweet boy. We spent time watching Nascar videos and drawing. He loved to talk to me about his favorite foods (white rice and legume sauce and mangoes). I had a lot of great memories with that little boy in a short amount of time. ​​

We bonded and despite the language barrier, we understood each other. Fredo and I laughed. We talked. We prayed. We sang. He was such a happy child and blessing in my life. I'm going to miss him and work my butt off to make sure none of the other precious children that I work with endure the same fate.

Despite everything, I spent a really pleasant Christmas with family and really special friends. I've been going out, trying new foods, making new art and remaining as present as I can be during this time. 2020 is around the corner and I plan on entering into the new year as happy as I possibly can be. 2019 was rough for my family. I am no stranger to death, but the year was also good for me. I traveled and had a ton of new experiences... I fed an emu, made my own liquor and went surfing. I went to Cuba, spent a month in Australia and found myself in the middle of a Haitian protest.
So yeah, cheers to living! Cheers to the new year!