Emotional Roller Coaster

I had 3 very important conversations last night and learned 3 very important lessons.

1. Friendships, like relationships can be taxing and toxic. Sometimes we need to step bank from friendships and re-evaluate the same way we would a romantic relationship. Sex is not the only factor that determines what we will and will not put up with from people, but we oftentimes hold romantic partners more accountable for their actions and we let our friends slide when in fact, they need to be responsible for their actions too.

2. You do not have to minimize yourself to fit into the box that others have created for you. In the same respect, you do not have to be more than you are to fit the expectations of others. You are enough.
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3. There are blessings, whether big or small, in every situation, good or bad. Change your perspective and accept what is.  Let go of what is not. What is meant to be will be. You have permission to love and you also have permission to hurt.

February 5, 2020
​Emotional Roller Coaster
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Today, one of my best friend broke up with me. Literally, broke up with me. After not responding to a message I sent over a month ago, and then ignoring all of my attempts to reach her after that, I finally got to her and I had decided that it was my 5th and final time trying anyways. Nothing is worse than feeling like you’re chasing somebody who just doesn’t want to be caught.

​So here we are, on FaceTime, and I allowed her to say everything she needed to, wanted to, and felt was right. I didn’t even talk for most of the conversation. I allowed her to speak her mind, her peace and her truth. At the end, I was confused. I thought finally speaking to her meant that we could work out any issues that we had, and continue on. That’s what close friends do... well that’s what I do with my close friends, and I guess that’s my problem. I go to the ends of the world for my friends. I love hard. I love unconditionally. I go out of my way... and many people can not reciprocate that. I’ve dealt with it and not allowed anybody else’s personality to hinder me from being who I am. However, tonight, the bottom line message that I received is that I’m an overwhelming friend and that she cannot give me the relationship that she thinks I need.

So, she needs her space. She said that she’s not going to stop speaking to me forever, but for now, she needs her distance and she doesn’t want to be spoken to. At the same time, she’s glad I was persistent and happy that I allowed her the time to speak from the heart, despite how it left me feeling. So, where does that leave us? Honestly, I respect her decision. I respect her space, her time, her needs. I respect her. I love her. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea that she ... like many others... have decided to just step out of my life. On one side, I get that sometimes people want to be left alone. They just don’t want to be bothered. That’s okay, right?

This felt different. This felt like when your significant other says “we need a break,” and that break just leads to problems, distance and an unnecessary amount of stress before you just ignore each other and go your separate ways. This conversation didn’t fix anything for me, even though I’m glad it did for her. I’m on board, but I’m hurt and I don’t think it’s fair that anybody can just walk in and out of your life when they choose. I mean I get they have the right to do so, but do I not have an equal right to say yes or no? Do I not have the right to put an end to people coming and going, loving me and leaving me?
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In the past month and a half, I’ve dealt with a lot of loss. I’ve lost people that meant the world to me. They died. So it hurts like hell to think that people who I truly love and care about can just walk away... easily. Give up on years of friendship and bonds because they don’t have the willpower to talk things out. Honestly, if somebody had taken a moment to say “I don’t like when you,” or “that you...” I could fix it. I could apologize for my wrongdoings. I could try to understand their emotions. I’m open. I’m accepting. I just haven’t received the chance to do that. My close friends just leave... like I’m nothing.
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In a time like this, when I’m grieving and hurting, it’s hard to accept because even though I don’t want to put that pain on them, this is when I need my friends most. I need to be checked on. I need to be reminded that it’s okay, because in my head and in my heart, it’s not. Sometimes, I feel really alone, simply because I’m afraid to put my shit onto other people. I’m afraid to put myself onto other people. I shouldn’t feel afraid to love unconditionally. I shouldn’t have to feel worried about losing all the time and questioning why people keep leaving my life. When people die, when relationships die, when things end... they all hurt. I’m just kind of tired of losing people and losing hope and losing my reasons to smile. I feel kind of broken and although I respect her decision to take space, I don’t think it’s right for me to allow somebody else to make me feel broken the way that I do.

Breathe, Baby, Breathe...

XO,
Née