Raw: 3/8/19 - Lies

Name one thing you have lied to yourself about. Why did you do this?

I lie to myself about love all the time. I keep myself in bad situations... even toxic situations because I love the idea of love and being loved. I hope and I pray that things will run smoothly and continue to grow, but they never actually do. 

I've been with some really great guys to be completely honest (and some not so great guys) who I have blindly let convince me that they're here for the long run. What I've experienced is that they're never ready to be committed and to selflessly give or accept love... at least not like the love I have to offer. Men tend to think that they're ready for a lasting relationship and for a forever love, but they back out. I think guys love the idea of me like I love the idea of being loved. They love my aesthetic but can't handle my truth, my mind, my power, my divinity, my softness, my fears, etc. I'm not mad though. It hurts like hell to allow myself to be soft and unguarded, just for somebody to come in and steal my peace. It hurts to let the wrong people in and then it hurts to be so angry with myself when I realized that I messed up again. It hurts to give beautiful pieces of yourself to beautiful people who just don't deserve your heart. I need to stop expecting that people will be here forever, but is that really the case? Is it fair to me to only allow myself to expect the minimum because it's what I've experienced in the past? I'm not quite sure. By expecting less, I no longer allow myself to give and to be myself due to past transgressions.

Yes, I've lied to myself, but because I've been lied to and my emotions have been toyed with. My mind has been manipulated. My heart has been pulled on, but I don't think I should have to expect fewer good things or give up on the idea of being loved and treated well because the right man hasn't stepped up and taken his place in my life.

I lied to myself about forever. I lied to myself about truly feeling loved because of a desire. I lied to myself about peace because I was busy protecting somebody else's in hopes that they would do the same for me. Now, I'm ready to treat myself and love myself more than I can ever expect another person to.